Category Archives: Emotera

There’s A Little Bit of Trouble


Then I knew what the trouble was.

I needed experience.

How could I write  about life when I’d never had a love affair or a baby or even seen anybody die?

~Esther; The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

I was reading Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar and I came upon these sentences. Why was I reading? Why was I reading so many books? I want to write someday. I’ve been seeing the words being sewn into sentences, then into paragraphs. I had scenarios and some nice music was even playing at the back, even if I cannot include that to what I write. It was legendary in my mind. I could even smell the ending of my story.

And then I write. And everything seems wrong. And parts were not coming together. And then I realize that I cannot write at all. I’m no good as a writer as I am no good as a person.

I thought reading can supplement what I lack in experience, and they do. They let me in on the writer’s out of this world stories but still not enough. I now know, that If I just feed my hungry mind with reading and less experience, I would just end up copying what I read. Consciously and unconsciously.

That sucks.

Kthnxbye. I’ll read on.

😐

Dreamare


How do you classify dreams? How can you say that a dream is a dream? And how can you say that it’s a nightmare?

Dear Lim,

I have been in love with you for a very long time. I think I was in love with you before I was even born. Whoa, I exaggerated that quite a bit. I just want to say that this feeling is long overdue and should’ve expired years ago.

I don’t know what led me to believe that there was something between us. Maybe it was just me over thinking things, or maybe it was you who toyed with my feelings and thought it was a good pastime to make someone believe in something so surreal.

I hate you.

For quite quite sometime I did but hatred is such an overwhelming feeling that eats my whole being and I cant afford to lose bits and pieces of who I am just so I can hate you. That’s why I retorted back to just loving you.

I was a teenager. Just turning 17 and still being stupid about things, love, life, and responsibilities. I thought angst was the blanket that would hide my emotional persona, and I thought you broke through that giant bucket of angst I wore on top of my head.

I was too close to believing.

You know why fraud is a crime? It’s not because somebody’s properties were taken away. It’s because people hate it when other people they are supposed to trust played God with their mind. And they don’t want the feeling of being the stupid one that unconsciously played into the con man’s game. People hate being stupid.

And they hate the person that led them to the stupidity. They hated that the reality they thought, was just something that was schemed up so smoothly to match perfectly their taste and to lead them to the choice the con man wants them to go for.

You’re a fraud.

You’re a con man.

I hated you for that.

I don’t know what else to believe in. You know what I thought at first? Oh crap, now I’m someone else’s laughing stock. And that’s why it stabbed me so hard at first.

Years pass by and I can’t even seem to look someone in the eye without thinking of you. I always compare them to who you are. Everything. Even you’re long black hair. I thought I was being stupid, and yes I was being stupid. Hell you made me stupid.

But then I still love you. At the back of my head, if you say you’re sorry I’ll still love you. Even if you don’t say you’re sorry, if you’ll just connect with me again, I’ll still love you. For the record, I never stopped loving you. I wanted to! But I just can’t.

I needed the lies, and the smiles, and the stupidity and the lies, lies, lies so I can feed the monster that’s eating my whole being. And that monster is you. Those lies were the happiest days of my life even if they’re just lies.

You know how far I’d go? I’m willing to become the mistress. Oh yeah, I heard you got married, and I heard she’s a mom now. Fuck, now I’m the bad guy. I don’t hate her, and I’m not planning to hate her. It’s not about her, this is about you and unfortunately, also about me.

I dreamt about you two nights ago. We were having fun, and laughing and you were staring at me. Then I woke up, and the hurt rushed back like a gargoyle slapping me with his backhand.

It was a dream that turned into a nightmare when I woke up. I would’ve stayed in that dream but I’m a human dude, I have to eventually wake up, and live the nightmare.

Wow. that felt really good. This is the first time I let this out. It was living inside me and I thought that this thought would’ve stayed inside me, and build it’s tent and live inside with me, but writing about it… I feel so good that I did.

With still lots of love,
Stella

Drowning In The Sounds


Sorting out my music files (Finally!!!)

I got tired of transferring stuffs to my phone and sorting my music files that’s why I just end up looking for the Billboard Top 100, and that would just end up in my phone. And I wouldn’t be able to hear half of it, and half of the other half my ears can’t stand, then the other half will be tolerable, and some likeable. For 2 days, they will be stuck in my head, then I’d grow tired of listening to them.

That’s how most pop songs work (well, for me). Here’s some exceptions…

~Super Bass by Nicki Minaj feat. Ester Dean, and this video I just found moments ago.

And here’s the thing I liked this song because of Selena Gomez, ahuh! ahuh! High five!

Hawt!

Anyway…

~I’d Lie by Taylor Swift

I heard this years before and totally forgot about it, and then I heard it at the mall last week, then remembered how fun this was to my ears, so… Yeah. Taylor Swift. Deal with it.

Okay fine, I reminisce moments in the past that are supposed to be forgotten. When I was listening to this song before, I was so in love, and so in the positive side of the world that yeah, this was a happy song. And now, because I am so freakishly bitter, the message seem to have changed. Oh well, that’s life. I still like it though.

I found this fan made single cover on Google.

~Porque by Maldita

I heard a snippet of it on the radio and BAAYM!!! I just loved it. And now I think Chavacanos are cool, wow they speak Spanish! Awesome! I want to learn that too.

**Pero sapul kasi e. Kakapanaginip ko lang tungkol sa mga masasakit na pangyayari kaya nagkaganito, swak na swak. Well that’s another topic, so some other time maybe.I love this song. **

This last one is my favorite, and I keep playing it whether I’m in the shower, the kitchen, having my cup of coffee, even while I’m typing this post.

Have a nice day!

🙂