There’s A Little Bit of Trouble

Then I knew what the trouble was.

I needed experience.

How could I write  about life when I’d never had a love affair or a baby or even seen anybody die?

~Esther; The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

I was reading Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar and I came upon these sentences. Why was I reading? Why was I reading so many books? I want to write someday. I’ve been seeing the words being sewn into sentences, then into paragraphs. I had scenarios and some nice music was even playing at the back, even if I cannot include that to what I write. It was legendary in my mind. I could even smell the ending of my story.

And then I write. And everything seems wrong. And parts were not coming together. And then I realize that I cannot write at all. I’m no good as a writer as I am no good as a person.

I thought reading can supplement what I lack in experience, and they do. They let me in on the writer’s out of this world stories but still not enough. I now know, that If I just feed my hungry mind with reading and less experience, I would just end up copying what I read. Consciously and unconsciously.

That sucks.

Kthnxbye. I’ll read on.

😐

Government Information System

I wish there is a hotline for government related inquiries.

Driver’s License for example. So I can be able to ask what requirements should I bring, what office should I visit, related fees, and processing time. Someone I can talk to who KNOWS what he/she is talking about, and not just someone who heard it from someone who heard it too from someone else. Facts. And truth.

This will diminish the number of fixers, and corruption too.

Why do I suggest this?

I have encountered many unfair and profit-oriented government workers. Here in our province, some people who work at the municipal offices can’t even give proper advice. I know, some of them are just clerks, and not the proper authority to some of our inquiries, but what surprises me even more, is that they GIVE YOU WRONG ADVICES. They don’t tell you, ‘Hey sorry, but your inquiry should be taken to Mr./Ms. Head Somebody because she’s the one who handles these types of issues.’ NO…. They tell you to do this, and do that, and do some little shit, and then another of that thing, and then you find out after all your hard work that you’ve done, you’ve not been following the process, the legal process I mean. You’ll find that out later after you’ve wasted enough money and some golden time.

Is it too much to integrate the government offices, and have a single number to dial, and ask the real people who knows how to shake their stuff about your concerns?

And yeah, well, please orient these government employees how to communicate well, and respect due to them is the respect they give. I have met some who communicate very well, and are not afraid to respect those who are innocent about government processes, I met one today at the municipal office, but there are countless of them who always look grumpy and are easily-irritated if you have too many inquiries, they might as well spit in you face and say that you’re stupid.

Is this too much to ask? Oh well. Mr. President I hope you’re listening, and I hope you still remember what you said.

PEOPLE REMEMBER. Please remember as well.

Dreamare

How do you classify dreams? How can you say that a dream is a dream? And how can you say that it’s a nightmare?

Dear Lim,

I have been in love with you for a very long time. I think I was in love with you before I was even born. Whoa, I exaggerated that quite a bit. I just want to say that this feeling is long overdue and should’ve expired years ago.

I don’t know what led me to believe that there was something between us. Maybe it was just me over thinking things, or maybe it was you who toyed with my feelings and thought it was a good pastime to make someone believe in something so surreal.

I hate you.

For quite quite sometime I did but hatred is such an overwhelming feeling that eats my whole being and I cant afford to lose bits and pieces of who I am just so I can hate you. That’s why I retorted back to just loving you.

I was a teenager. Just turning 17 and still being stupid about things, love, life, and responsibilities. I thought angst was the blanket that would hide my emotional persona, and I thought you broke through that giant bucket of angst I wore on top of my head.

I was too close to believing.

You know why fraud is a crime? It’s not because somebody’s properties were taken away. It’s because people hate it when other people they are supposed to trust played God with their mind. And they don’t want the feeling of being the stupid one that unconsciously played into the con man’s game. People hate being stupid.

And they hate the person that led them to the stupidity. They hated that the reality they thought, was just something that was schemed up so smoothly to match perfectly their taste and to lead them to the choice the con man wants them to go for.

You’re a fraud.

You’re a con man.

I hated you for that.

I don’t know what else to believe in. You know what I thought at first? Oh crap, now I’m someone else’s laughing stock. And that’s why it stabbed me so hard at first.

Years pass by and I can’t even seem to look someone in the eye without thinking of you. I always compare them to who you are. Everything. Even you’re long black hair. I thought I was being stupid, and yes I was being stupid. Hell you made me stupid.

But then I still love you. At the back of my head, if you say you’re sorry I’ll still love you. Even if you don’t say you’re sorry, if you’ll just connect with me again, I’ll still love you. For the record, I never stopped loving you. I wanted to! But I just can’t.

I needed the lies, and the smiles, and the stupidity and the lies, lies, lies so I can feed the monster that’s eating my whole being. And that monster is you. Those lies were the happiest days of my life even if they’re just lies.

You know how far I’d go? I’m willing to become the mistress. Oh yeah, I heard you got married, and I heard she’s a mom now. Fuck, now I’m the bad guy. I don’t hate her, and I’m not planning to hate her. It’s not about her, this is about you and unfortunately, also about me.

I dreamt about you two nights ago. We were having fun, and laughing and you were staring at me. Then I woke up, and the hurt rushed back like a gargoyle slapping me with his backhand.

It was a dream that turned into a nightmare when I woke up. I would’ve stayed in that dream but I’m a human dude, I have to eventually wake up, and live the nightmare.

Wow. that felt really good. This is the first time I let this out. It was living inside me and I thought that this thought would’ve stayed inside me, and build it’s tent and live inside with me, but writing about it… I feel so good that I did.

With still lots of love,
Stella

Drowning In The Sounds

Sorting out my music files (Finally!!!)

I got tired of transferring stuffs to my phone and sorting my music files that’s why I just end up looking for the Billboard Top 100, and that would just end up in my phone. And I wouldn’t be able to hear half of it, and half of the other half my ears can’t stand, then the other half will be tolerable, and some likeable. For 2 days, they will be stuck in my head, then I’d grow tired of listening to them.

That’s how most pop songs work (well, for me). Here’s some exceptions…

~Super Bass by Nicki Minaj feat. Ester Dean, and this video I just found moments ago.

And here’s the thing I liked this song because of Selena Gomez, ahuh! ahuh! High five!

Hawt!

Anyway…

~I’d Lie by Taylor Swift

I heard this years before and totally forgot about it, and then I heard it at the mall last week, then remembered how fun this was to my ears, so… Yeah. Taylor Swift. Deal with it.

Okay fine, I reminisce moments in the past that are supposed to be forgotten. When I was listening to this song before, I was so in love, and so in the positive side of the world that yeah, this was a happy song. And now, because I am so freakishly bitter, the message seem to have changed. Oh well, that’s life. I still like it though.

I found this fan made single cover on Google.

~Porque by Maldita

I heard a snippet of it on the radio and BAAYM!!! I just loved it. And now I think Chavacanos are cool, wow they speak Spanish! Awesome! I want to learn that too.

**Pero sapul kasi e. Kakapanaginip ko lang tungkol sa mga masasakit na pangyayari kaya nagkaganito, swak na swak. Well that’s another topic, so some other time maybe.I love this song. **

This last one is my favorite, and I keep playing it whether I’m in the shower, the kitchen, having my cup of coffee, even while I’m typing this post.

Have a nice day!

🙂

Sounds of the Road

i once looked through my father's cd and i picked bon jovi because i know some of his songs. I forgot to take out that cd forever, err,for like 2 months… And KABAAYM!!! Now i always remember that bon jovi's songs whenever i jump in the car, especially his 'someday i'll be saturday night' ü

The Book Obsession

B-O-O-K-S.

No genre in particular. I just love books. Random books, classics, on the trend books, and anything readable.

My book collection obsession is a branch of my love for reading. Literary pieces. And anything inspirational/creative that is a product of the human imagination. I started reading anything I can grab at our house, then my love for reading expanded up to my classmates' bookshelves where they lent me their books, and some even gave them to me. Then, when I had the resources, I bought my own books. Hell yeah, I hoarded them like crazy.

I don't want to say that the passion is fading out, but situation dictates that I postpone my book hoarding until I finish all the books in the shelves. Nah, I just promised my brother I will not buy another one until I've finished all of my books. Maybe almost all can do. Hehe.

Currently reading– The Bell Jar

Young Master Cousin

This is a rant post, if you’re not up for it, might as well not read this.

kthnxbai.

NAKAKAINIS. NAKAKAINIS. NAKAKAINIS tong pinsan namin.

Bakit?

Makikigamit sya ng laptop, sasabihin makiki-research, etcetera, etcetera. Magre-research siya for 5 minutes or so, tapos makikita na lang naming nagdo-DotA lang siya. Oo na, ako na ang masama, pero kung wala kang PC at gusto niyong mag-DotA, magpunta ka sa internet shop, okay?! I just can’t take it anymore! Kung wala kang pambayad sa internet shop, tanggapin mo na lang sa sarili mo that DotA is a luxury you can’t afford! This may sound mean, even rude, but srsly, if you are in our position, almost everyday ba naman na may makiki-agaw sa laptop mo/niyo e hindi ka mabi-biwisit?! Try mo mga 4- times a week, minsan pa straight buong week, andito siya.

Sa mga nakakakilala sa kanya, sabihin niyo nang matapobre ako at masama ugali ko pero I hate the fact that you’re abusing what’s left of my kindness. Isa na nga lang ang laptop sa bahay for the meantime dahil nasira yung laptop ko, kaya share pa kami dun sa laptop ng sister ko. And that shared time is still being taken away by YOU?! What the hell man, NOT COOL!

Ganito ka-over ang pagi-invade niya sa privacy namin…

Minsan, isang hapon kami ay natutulog ni sister, pumasok siya sa bahay at GINISING si sister dahil makiki-download siya ng… let’s say… Chuvachuhu Movie na kelangan nila sa school. I DON’T BUY IT! After 5 minutes or so, as usual, nagdo-DotA na naman siya dahil hindi naman pala mahanap yung Chuvachuchu Movie. Damn hardcore! Pwede bang letsugas na yan. Nang-istorbo ka na nga ng tulog ng ibang tao na pagod sa school, makiki-DotA ka lang pala. Oh yeah, ROCK ‘n ROLL. Ulit lang, GINISING niya ang sister ko. Isa pa, GINISING NIYA ANG SISTER KO para mag-DotA!

Gusto ko na nga i-delete yung DotA para wala na siyang dahilan. Pero ayoko nga kasi nagdo-DotA ako, bakit ba?! DotAngnang yan. And besides kahit di siya  maka-DotA, kung anu-ano lang nilalaro niya sa net, ok fine, bored siya, but deal with it! Matulog ka sa bahay niyo, o kaya mag-tumbling ka.

Aside from that, he’s SPENDING A LOT OF TIME SA KWARTO namin (take note, kwarto = private space, ayt?), na kapag may gumagamit ng laptop ay papanuorin niya lang ang ginagawa mo sa laptop to the point na super awkward na dahil hindi discreet ang panunuod niya sa ginagawa mo sa net. He’s in your face, as in mga 5 inches from your cheeks para manuod sayo. Kahit pa nagbabasa ka lang ng tweets, nagre-reblog, o kaya nagu-update ng status sa FB. What the fucking hell?!? E pano kung gusto kong manuod ng porn? Tapos sabay kami manunuod, ganon?!

Pag hindi pa siya makagamit ng laptop at wala pang nanunuod ng tv, manunuod siya hanggang gabing-gabi (iba ang gabing-gabi sa province, yung mga 10pm niyang pag-uwi, madaling araw na yun dito sa probinsya) yung tipong nakahiga na kami ni sister at matutulog na kami di pa kami maka-pwesto ng maayos dahil andun siya sa paanan namin, pero di pa rin siya titigil. Tapos pag tipong mahuhulog ka na sa pagtulog mo at malapit ng tumulo ang laway mo, saka ka niya gigisingin kasi uuwi na siya at kelangan mo ng i-lock ang bahay para sa pag-uwi ni Young Master Cousin. What the ef?! May TV naman sila, wala nga lang cable pero pag ganun naman, WAG NANG CHOOSY!!!

Oo na, masama na naman ugali ko, pero try niyo kasing ma-invade ng ganun ka-insensitive at inconsiderate na tao. Kung di ka mairita, aawardan kita. Bonggang-bongga.

Kung mabasa man to ng mga kapatid niya. I don’t really care. I almost tagged you anyway. I have a message for you. If you feel awful for him, and you think I’m the meanest person in the world, go ahead. BUY YOUR BROTHER A FUCKING COMPUTER! So he won’t have to bother us all the time, and I won’t have to say these horrible things. Deal? Nice. Shake hands.

At this moment, nasa kwarto na naman siya. Gumagawa ng slideshow ang sister ko sa lapag ng kwarto habang siya ay NAKAHILATA sa kama (as in!) nanunuod ng tv, kahit na sinabi ko na mag-aaral ako sa kwarto, pero lumipat na lang ako sa sala, dahil nanunuod na siya ng tv at di ko mapigilan si Young Master Cousin.

Meegahd! Ako pa ang napatalsik sa kwarto. KWARTO! KWARTO! PRIVATE SPACE! DotAngnang yan! Ako, medyo mabait lang. Buti sa net lang ako nag-snap. Ayoko sa real world, dahil madidiwara ang mga tao at magugulo ang Brgy. Burgos. Fine? Fine. Fuck you.

Sixteen Three-Point Shooter

Topic #76 : What’s your favorite number and why?

Now that I think about it, I never changed my favorite number for ages. It’s been 16 since I was in grade school.

It was kind of a long story, but I’ll tell it anyway.

When I was young, my dad, my brother, and I used to watch NBA in the middle of the night. It was usually played around 10-12 in the evening, I think. We would grab something to eat, and get drowned in the couch, and watch the game vigorously.

I wasn’t really a fan of basketball at that time, (yes I did become a fan of the game later on but the fandom has faded now) and I would just sit there asking tons of questions, and I really didn’t understood the game I just wanted to spend that time with them. Plus I didn’t want to be left out at their basketball talks during dinners, and whatnots. I’m nosy, I know.

They were (and still are) a big fan of the Lakers, and Kobe Bryant, and stuffs, and yellow, and purple. Pfft. I don’t know why but I never really came to like Lakers and Kobe Bryant and stuffs of yellow and purple. (?)

So every time the Lakers is playing, I would cheer the other team, and of course they’d boo me, and cheer the Lakers out. Then they played against Sacramento Kings, and I fell in love with Peja Stojakovic’s awesomest three-pointers (I don’t know if he’s still the awesomest, I don’t care anyway), and guess what his jersey number was SIXTEEN (16).

And I was immature, yeah I know, and I wrote it on papers, and it tagged along after my name, etcetera, etcetera. I never got rid of that number.

It’s funny how I’ve forgotten that was my favorite number, now I remembered how much I used and abused it, and still is my favorite number 🙂

I’m Posting Everyday in 2011!

I’ve decided I want to blog more. Rather than just thinking about doing it, I’m starting right now. I will be posting on this blog once a day for all of 2011.

I know it won’t be easy, but it might be fun, inspiring, awesome and wonderful. Therefore I’m promising to make use of The Daily Post, and the community of other bloggers with similiar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can.

If you already read my blog, I hope you’ll encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way.

Signed,
AKDA

Rebecca Black Madness

Yes, I mean it. She might just be mad to do this.

I don’t know what kind of trance she entered and how she got there, but this… This is just wrong…

The voice, the lyrics, the VIDEO. It’s all just wrong and SAD.